


Memories of Us

by ShadowofaBlackRose



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, I'm Sorry, Post-Episode: s07e14 The Name of the Doctor, Some Fluff, mostly pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 21:21:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowofaBlackRose/pseuds/ShadowofaBlackRose
Summary: Set after 'The Name of the Doctor' - Madame Vastra lays awake after returning from Trenzalore with Jenny asleep in her arms. As she thinks about how she nearly lost the woman she loves her mind wanders back over some of the times they have spent together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Another oldie that I've decided to drag into the present. I can only apologise for any pain, heartbreak and excessive crying that may occur. If it helps, re-reading this hurt me too.

The memories of hours before seemed to be playing on repeat within Vastra's mind as she and Jenny lay wrapped up in each other's arms in the early hours of the morning. Her wife had fallen asleep long ago, but any chance of resting was evading the Silurian entirely. Too much had happened that day. Too many of the events that had taken place hours before had left their mark on the inside of Vastra's skull, like the initials of lovers freshly carved into a tree trunk, prominent and clear, ready to live out an eternity.

 

_"Jenny, are you alright?"_

_"Sorry ma'am, so sorry... so sorry, so sorry... I think I've been murdered."_

She could still see that solitary tear slowly sliding down the pale flesh that covered Jenny's cheek. The dampened residue that that one tear left behind was still vividly depicted in the Silurian's memories and the one word - murdered - laced through each and every one of the woman's thoughts. Jenny had said that she was sorry. The girl had apologised for her own death. In a way it only broke Vastra's heart more to think of what that meant, because it meant that Jenny knew how vital she was to the Silurian. It meant that Jenny understood that Vastra simply couldn't cope without her.

 

Absentmindedly Vastra tightened her grip around Jenny's delicate little body, pulling the girl against her chest so firmly that Jenny stirred lightly before settling back into her wife's embrace. To think that Vastra could have been laying in that bed alone was enough to make her feel sick. She hadn't realised just how fond she had grown of her love's presence until she had almost lost her.

 

Long ago, after waking in Victorian London but before Jenny had entered her life, Vastra had barely slept at all. The planet she had awoken on was so different from that which she remembered; it was so cold and bare. All the forests were gone and the clean air she remembered was a thing of the past. Victorian England could not have been further from the Earth Vastra had remembered. Back then the Silurian had settled herself by a roaring fire in the sitting room each night, wrapped in so many blankets that she appeared to be double her original size, and she would read until eventually sleep would take hold of her. She would wake even colder than she had been as she fell asleep and her days would only draw out the misery she felt within.

 

Then, out of nowhere, everything changed. Late one night the Doctor had appeared on her doorstep with Jenny bundled up in his arms,  pleaded with the Silurian to take her in - and that was that.  

 

_"Vastra please, I barely got her out of there alive! She isn't safe on her own. I don't know what those Tongs had against her but it seemed to me that she'd had conflicts with them before."_

_"If that is the case then I'm sure she can take care of herself. Obviously she survived the first time they met or there would not have been a second encounter."_

 

It was at that time that Vastra had been entirely untrusting of all humans. At first she had wanted the Doctor to leave her be, to take the ape and place her elsewhere to protect her. But something changed the Silurian's mind. She had seen Jenny's face. As the Doctor stood on her doorstep, carrying Jenny like a child, the girl's head rolled back and her pale face had been exposed to the light. She had a cut reaching from the corner of her right eye right down to just below her ear. Her dark hair was matted with blood and dirt and there was a bruise beginning to show on the left side of her nose. At the time Vastra had agreed to allow the Doctor to patch the girl up in her home, she had never imagined that Jenny would end up staying for good.

 

Vastra knew that she had begun to fall in love with Jenny from that very first night. Once the Doctor had cleaned her wounds and tended to any more serious injuries that were not so clearly visible he had somehow convinced the Silurian to allow the girl to spend the night in her house. It was the first time that anyone but Vastra had resided within the walls of 13 Paternoster Row and, once the Doctor left, she found herself feeling rather uncomfortable with the human girl's presence.

 

As the sound of the TARDIS faded outside of the house Vastra had made her way up to the first floor and, remaining as quiet as she could, she crept into the room where Jenny slept. The Doctor had left a candle lit by the bed and a chair was placed next to where the sleeping girl lay. Vastra lowered herself into the chair and watched as Jenny slept. She hadn't understood it at the time, but it felt as though there was something different about the girl. Vastra wasn't afraid to remain unveiled around her. In fact, she consciously removed her gloves as she sat there, placing them on the bedside table without ever moving her gaze. She was mesmerised by the way that the candlelight cast shadows over Jenny's skin, and how the girl's nose and lips would twitch ever so slightly as she dreamed. The Silurian sat like that for hours, just admiring the beauty of the human girl that the Doctor had saved. Had she known then that she would fall so deeply and irrevocably in love with the dainty, beautiful little creature? Perhaps not. But when the girl opened her eyes and studied the Silurian without fear or even so much as a hint of discomfort Vastra had known that she felt something for Jenny that she had never felt for anyone before.

 

The first time Jenny had kissed her, Vastra thought that she was dreaming. It wasn't an intimate moment exactly, more an expression of tender affection. Jenny had been working as the Silurian's maid for a few months when the anniversary of the day Vastra had been awoken in the underground tunnels came around. Of course, Vastra's mood had been even more cold and distant than was normal for her and, understandably, Jenny had been worried. All day Vastra had kept to herself, unable to shift the memories of her dead sisters, scattered around that pit in the ground. They had never stood a chance, attacked before they were even fully awake. Around midday the girl had knocked on the door to the greenhouse that they kept at the back of the property and, receiving no response, she had hesitantly pushed the door open a little.

 

_"Ma'am?"_

Vastra had growled at her. She had hissed warningly but still Jenny had proceeded to step over the threshold. That was one of the things Vastra had always admired most in Jenny - her bravery. Jenny Flint wasn't the sort to turn her back and run away when things got tough.

 

_"Ma'am? Is everythin' alright?"_

_"Leave me. I wish to be alone."_

_"Not until you've given me a proper answer."_

Of course, Jenny would never have just blindly followed orders. If Vastra had employed any other maid in all of London she would have been left to herself if she had requested it. Not with Jenny. The girl's heart was too big, too full of love and compassion for anyone who needed it. She had carried on advancing into the greenhouse until she was knelt on the floor at her mistress' feet and, when she had seen the broken look in Vastra's eyes, she had taken the other woman's hands in her own and kissed each one softly. The girl had knelt up and placed her hands on Vastra's shoulders, guiding her to lean down so that Jenny could reach to kiss first her forehead and then each of her cheeks.

 

_"Whatever it is ma'am, you don't 'ave to go through it alone. I'm 'ere. It'll be okay."_

 

The last kiss had surprised them both. It was clear in Jenny's face that she wasn't entirely sure where it had come from or what had prompted her to do it. One second Vastra's painful memories had been exploding inside of her and the next all of that pain seemed to dull. It had only lasted a moment, but as Jenny's soft, warm lips had brushed against her own everything else had seemed just a little less terrible. The Silurian's eyes had fluttered shut and as she felt the heat of the girl's breath disappear when Jenny pulled away from her, Vastra had been forced to open her eyes again, pulled back to reality. That night the Silurian had asked the girl to hold her as she slept. She had needed to feel Jenny close to her. She had needed Jenny to comfort her and to keep her safe. They never slept apart again after that.

 

Vastra pulled herself out of her own musings and  for the first time since she and Jenny had curled up together that night she looked down at the girl held in her embrace. So much had changed since the first time that Vastra had watched Jenny sleep in that very spot, and yet so much was still the same. Jenny barely looked any different despite the years that had passed. Minus the cuts and bruises she could easily have been the same young girl she had been when they met, but Vastra knew that she wasn't. That night Vastra hadn't been in love with Jenny. She had cared for the girl, but she still knew how to live without her. Now, Vastra knew that without Jenny her life wouldn't be worth anything.

 

It was impossible to say what Vastra would have done had Strax not been able to revive her wife. The Silurian couldn't even begin to guess how she would have coped if Clara hadn't thrown herself into the Doctor's time stream and saved Jenny from oblivion. Vastra had grown so dependent on Jenny, so utterly reliant on the girl always being there to hold her and comfort her: to protect her from both herself and the world around her. Only after she had lost the girl twice did it really begin to occur to Vastra that Jenny may not always be there with her, and the realisation was tearing her apart inside.

 

Jenny's nose wrinkled as she slept and Vastra remembered how she had watched the same thing happen on the first night they had met. Jenny may have retained her youth well since that night but now Vastra was beginning to understand that her darling girl could not remain young forever. The lifespan of a human was so much shorter than that of a Silurian, even more so considering the time period in which they resided. Losing Jenny twice had really brought to Vastra's mind just how fragile the girl's life truly was. One day the Silurian knew that she would wake up and Jenny would be gone. The truth had always been there, but until she had watched the love of her life die right before her eyes Vastra had been incapable of seeing it.

 

"Please do not leave me..." Keeping one arm wrapped tightly around Jenny's waist so that she could feel the warmth of the girl's body against her own Vastra lifted her other hand to stroke Jenny's hair. The feeling of the long dark tresses slipping through her fingers was comforting to the Silurian in a way, and as she lifted her hand to the back of her wife's head a second time she pressed her lips to the end of the girl's nose.

 

"I'll never leave you love, not really." Jenny muttered and slowly she let her eyes flutter open. The girl peered up into Vastra's beautiful blue eyes and, for the first time in a very long time, she saw a familiar broken look in the cerulean depths. Gently, Jenny extracted herself from Vastra's arms so that she held both of the Silurian's hands in her own. The girl took great care in lifting each hand to her lips and pressing a kiss against the smooth scales before she would allow Vastra to once more gather her up in a loving embrace. As she released her wife's hands Jenny laid her own to rest on Vastra's shoulders and she leant up to kiss first the Silurian's forehead before kissing each of the other woman's cheeks in turn. "Remember all them years ago when I told you that you didn't 'ave to go through your pain alone? I'm still 'ere love, an' it's still all gonna be okay."

 

Vastra's pain and fear vanished as Jenny pulled her wife close and pressed their lips firmly together, just as it had the first time that they had kissed; but this kiss lasted so much longer and was filled with so much more emotion than their first. Vastra kissed Jenny as though she'd never get the chance to kiss her again and the Silurian made a promise to herself that she would always kiss Jenny as though it were their last from that day on. Vastra didn't want to risk losing the woman she loved again without knowing that Jenny understood just how much she meant to her. She couldn't watch her die again without knowing that she had given Jenny everything that she was.

 

Vastra didn't sleep properly for a long time after the events that took place on Trenzalore, but in time she learned something that stayed with her for the rest of her life - Jenny was never going to let her be alone again. The world could turn against them and try to tear them apart but still that stubborn, strong headed, wonderful girl would never leave her, and the knowledge of that kept Vastra going through the darkest of times until the very last time that she felt the warm touch of Jenny's lips on her own.


End file.
